Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Well, shit
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago