waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
he looks great for his age
when the buffet is more honest than your date
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
they split up moments later
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea