Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.