You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You Might Also Like
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Breaking news:
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
the three branches of government
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair