The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You Might Also Like
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM