I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT