Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Sheep