ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.