I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”