I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Confused owl: What?!
🤣
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Risking my life for fun.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house