Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
it’s the silliest best thing
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom