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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!