Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds