[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Weirdly Wednesday.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?