Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol