Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
But that’s none of my business
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.