if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
titanic
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
This is my brand.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.