How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.