Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
me after drinking all the wine:
5 ways to appear taller
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.