COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me