If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.