If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*