Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me too, bag. Me too….
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Otters see a butterfly.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?