(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
You Might Also Like
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her