#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Can. I. Help. You.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds