The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.