Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
is this meant to deter me
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?