The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
This kinda thing happens to me often
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.