I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?