LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You Might Also Like
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.