My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.