Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You Might Also Like
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Have kids, they said
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.