Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Bobby pin
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense