Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
U talkin 2 me?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?