glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
We like the way Dwight thinks
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
SPLOOT
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.