Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.