I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible