Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
🙅🏻
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.