When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.