Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane