Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.