Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You Might Also Like
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.