[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.