GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*