Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem