The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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