How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You Might Also Like
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Going into Monday like
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked