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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Breaking news:
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”