I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume