“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
the official breakfast of 2021
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK